In preparing to go to Salem, Ma this Halloween, something that’s definitely been on my mind is: Where am I gonna eat? So here are a few of the Salem Ma restaurants I’m looking forward to the most during the 2018 season. Get your nom noms and witch hats, let’s get stupid full.
Below, you’ll find the full transcript for the video if you’d rather read it:
Salem Ma Restaurants – Halloween 2018 Picks Transcript
What’s up witches and welcome to Salem, the weirdest place on earth. My name’s Joel from ToSalem.com and I’m gearing up for my Halloween trip to The Witch City. So, since I’m planning my trip anyway and, since I’m a little burned out on all the heavy history following my list of the top five insane theories related to the Salem Witch Trials, I thought I’d do something a little more casz. Today, I’ll be telling you where I’m planning to grab a bite in the Witch City this year. Some are old Salem Ma restaurants favorites, others are new flings. They’re ordered by my personal level of excitement. So, grab a witchcicle, sprinkle fairy dust on your deliciously hairy tummy, and let’s dive headlong into a vat of crony goop. What does that even mean?
The Lobster Shanty
4) Ahhhhh the Lobster Shanty. What can I say that I haven’t said before? It’s a shanty. There’s lobsters. They’re fresh. Beer. Patio. People. Lobster Mac and Cheese. The best rangoon in town. Just go. The Shanty’s one of the most venerable Salem Ma restaurants and it’s right in the middle of town, you can’t miss it. And if you see a raving lunatic in all black who’s screaming at the top of his lungs about HP Lovecraft’s connection to Salem, Massachusetts, well just go ahead and approach me and I shall bequeath you with my witticisms.
Tavern on the Square
3) Right in the middle of town, there’s Tavern on the Square. It also happens to be right beside where I’m staying this year, The brand spanking new Hotel Salem. Gotta tell ya, I’m stupid excited for this hotel and it’s super cool looking rooftop bar and the incredible convenience of being able to pop right into the Tavern and order the Salem Joel special: two barrels of squirrel blood, a chalice filled with malice, and a partridge in a v-neck t. They’ve got pretty much everything you want at the tavern. Out of the four, I’d say it’s on the pricier side, so be sure to get some money magick spell kits from Omen before you go in.
2) Ohhhh, look at your fancy jeans. I bet you’ve got fancy shoes and fancy skin care products and a fancy uh purse satchel. Well, you don’t even know about the fancy place called Finz. That’s right, Finz. Like a fish has. Down by the Salem wharf, you can drop into this little place and get delicious foodstuffs. I like it because it’s a little out of the way, so it’s not super crowded all the time. It’s on the water, the food’s great, especially if you like seafood. And it’s like super romantic. So, if you’re cool and you’ve decided to finally ask Marie, the Satanic accountant out to dinner, this is totally the place to worship death hand-in-hand in the demon dungeon below the restaurant and then get a great meal after. What’s that? I’m being told by the ToSalem lawyers that I can’t officially claim there’s a bloody demon dungeon below Finz. I can’t OFFICIALLY claim it.
The Flying Saucer Company
1) The Flying Saucer company is, I think, unfairly categorized among the Salem Ma restaurants as “that one pizza place with the Picard Borg statue.” Accurate? Yes. The whole story? No. They also have nice bathrooms ya big dummy. And their pizza is an ever-evolving gift from the gods. And the staff looks like I looked in my head when I was a young person, not yet saddled with student loans and disappointed with the bitterest truths about love and death and how literally everything the internet tells you that you like it’s simultaneously manipulating you to like – including this very video and what does any of it mean? Delete your social media. Join me on an ocean liner. Let’s start the revolution. But, yeah. Just top notch bathrooms.
And that’s it witches! I am 100% going to make a best restaurants in Salem list after the holiday this year, but I have a few more I want to sample before I put that thing together. Some other places I’m absolutely sure I’m going to visit, but that didn’t make the list are Gulu Gulu Cafe for the best mother creping crepes you’ve ever put in your dirty crepe mouth, go sit in the corner and think about what you did, ya filthy crepe. I’m pretty sure cider or hot chocolate or ice cream or a cookie will come from Ye Olde Pepper Company or Maria’s Sweet Somethings (don’t get weird). And, no trip to Salem would be complete without at least one unique, delicious, powerful Dark N Stormy from Olde Main Street Pub. That’s all for today witches. Whatchu gonna be muchin on this Samhain. Leave your comment below the gallows and I’ll see ya next time. Stay weird, witches.